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| Aunty Matilda, my favourite cuddler |
Little did I know this morning that I would end up crying in my lunch break. After a stressful morning of catching up on too many emails and running to different meetings, I was tricked to come into the big conference room. To my utter surprise all my female colleagues were there, singing a beautiful traditional wedding song. I could not help myself; their gorgeous and laughing faces and beautiful voices made me burst out in tears. I can’t handle surprises. And especially not sweet surprises.
After I had dried my tears and sat down on the round table, one after the other shared with me their recommendations and advises on how to have a warm, affectionate and good marriage. Traditionally in Ghana the older married women of a community sit the bride-to-be down before the wedding day and share all there is to know. While they were talking I tried to frantically make mental notes and remember their wise, loving words. Marriages and relationships may have different dynamics in different cultural contexts, but many of their advices were based on over 10, 20 and even 34 years of blissful marriage experience. So I better listened! And as I have no clue what I am getting myself into and some of you may also not know, I thought I better write this down to remember and share with those that may also need some tips and tricks every once in a while. So hereby the lists of advices from my beautiful Ghanaian sisters.
How to make your marriage happy and loving:
- Make sure to have effective communication, and lots of it. It makes you both close and relaxed and feel connected. And no, they were not talking about verbal communication :-)
- Manage the man’s ego. They are big. If you have a good idea, make him think it’s his idea.
- Patience should be your middle name. You may think you love him. But if you live under the same roof, things will start irritating you. One of them told this old story about how a woman came to complain about her husband to an older aunty. She told her aunty they were always fighting. The aunty gave her a traditional medicine she should put in her mouth and not spit out. The next evening the husband came home and the woman took the medicine. She remembered to not spit it out and kept it in her mouth. The next morning she went to her aunty to thank her for this great medicine. ‘What was it’, she asked, ‘it’s really good’. The aunty answered that she gave her water….
- Nurture the friendship you have. You are marrying your best friend. Remember to keep investing in the friendship and not forget about each other. Do not replace your husband with kids. They will go eventually and you will regret forgetting about the friendship you used to have.
- Always feed him well. That will make him strong and able to perform. But it will also show your respect. So when you come home late from work, kick off your shoes and get into the kitchen and make him good banku.
- When you want him to do things around the house, don’t assume he will do it or think it is also his responsibility. Ask him as if you are asking him a favour, in a nice way. He will do it. Like if you want him to help fetch water or help you cook, ask him nicely and he will do it. He knows he has to eat, so he will come around.
- Show appreciation. Thank him for little things, even if you think he should just do them anyway. If you thank him he will keep doing it without you having to ask.
- Put him first, not your children or work or anything else. Your marriage is the most important.
- Wear a string of beads around your hips. They will make music and he will love it :-)
- And last but not least, work on the marriage; be determined to make it successful. It is not always easy, but don’t give up.
After I had dried my tears and sat down on the round table, one after the other shared with me their recommendations and advises on how to have a warm, affectionate and good marriage. Traditionally in Ghana the older married women of a community sit the bride-to-be down before the wedding day and share all there is to know. While they were talking I tried to frantically make mental notes and remember their wise, loving words. Marriages and relationships may have different dynamics in different cultural contexts, but many of their advices were based on over 10, 20 and even 34 years of blissful marriage experience. So I better listened! And as I have no clue what I am getting myself into and some of you may also not know, I thought I better write this down to remember and share with those that may also need some tips and tricks every once in a while. So hereby the lists of advices from my beautiful Ghanaian sisters.
How to make your marriage happy and loving:
- Make sure to have effective communication, and lots of it. It makes you both close and relaxed and feel connected. And no, they were not talking about verbal communication :-)
- Manage the man’s ego. They are big. If you have a good idea, make him think it’s his idea.
- Patience should be your middle name. You may think you love him. But if you live under the same roof, things will start irritating you. One of them told this old story about how a woman came to complain about her husband to an older aunty. She told her aunty they were always fighting. The aunty gave her a traditional medicine she should put in her mouth and not spit out. The next evening the husband came home and the woman took the medicine. She remembered to not spit it out and kept it in her mouth. The next morning she went to her aunty to thank her for this great medicine. ‘What was it’, she asked, ‘it’s really good’. The aunty answered that she gave her water….
- Nurture the friendship you have. You are marrying your best friend. Remember to keep investing in the friendship and not forget about each other. Do not replace your husband with kids. They will go eventually and you will regret forgetting about the friendship you used to have.
- Always feed him well. That will make him strong and able to perform. But it will also show your respect. So when you come home late from work, kick off your shoes and get into the kitchen and make him good banku.
- When you want him to do things around the house, don’t assume he will do it or think it is also his responsibility. Ask him as if you are asking him a favour, in a nice way. He will do it. Like if you want him to help fetch water or help you cook, ask him nicely and he will do it. He knows he has to eat, so he will come around.
- Show appreciation. Thank him for little things, even if you think he should just do them anyway. If you thank him he will keep doing it without you having to ask.
- Put him first, not your children or work or anything else. Your marriage is the most important.
- Wear a string of beads around your hips. They will make music and he will love it :-)
- And last but not least, work on the marriage; be determined to make it successful. It is not always easy, but don’t give up.
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| Absorbing all the wisdom.... |
I may adapt some of these a little bit and contextualize. After all, I don’t think he would want me to cook banku every day. But when we start quarrelling about something, I am definitely going to think about this special afternoon in which I was initiated into the secrets of marriage.
And then we danced of course. And they showed me some advanced hip-movements to make those beads swing around the hips….
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| my darling UNICEF ladies |
